The Alarm was ringing incessantly.
I scrunched my eyes and opened the curtains to let some light in. There was none.
I hate waking up at 4 a.m…. No matter what the reason is, I hate it.
I hate promises… No matter what, no matter to whom, I flucking hate it.
A couple of weeks back when she looked at me with those eyes… THOSE eyes… playing with her hair as usual… with a measured smile that still makes my heart flutter handed her wedding card over and asked me whether I’d be there… I just couldn’t say no… I was cornered, helpless and the exact word I’m looking for here is… yeah… an Idiot.
I am in my mid twenties and an Indian. So, if there isn’t at-least one ex of mine who is married and a couple of others posting their updated relationship statuses on Facebook, I did my adolescence a huge mistake.
So on the day of her wedding, I was thinking of her… even more than usual… and probably even more than required.
To my eyes, she was the definition of breathtakingly beautiful, right from the time I was a pre-teen and she was a co pre-teen.
I have seen her grow up(Not a stalker, same neighbourhood) and it was not like a caterpillar’s metamorphosis into a fluttering fascination of a butterfly or an ugly duckling turning into a beautiful swan.
She was in fact the prettiest in her class and held that position across the subsequent grades in years to come. What exactly happened between us in the years leading to high school is all a big blur. The harder I try, all I can remember is that girl smiling back at me whenever I could ‘accidentally’ ensure our eyes met.
I still can’t pinpoint an exact reason as to why we hardly spoke to each other for quite a few years. My best bet would be the question that she’d ask after the furtive glances, sheepish grins and a “hi, how are you” from my side?…. “How much did you get in that exam?”
Well, it wasn’t that she was unapproachable and neither was I a guy who had a problem conversing with the girls, but somehow talking to her felt a lot different. There was an unexplainable restraint from my side. A phenomenon only she could bring out in me.
High school was a lot more lenient towards me in this avenue at-least. Once I had gotten over my inhibitions to be bold enough to tell her how much I scored(Shame went out for a walk and never returned), I could see our daily talks extending more than the customary exchange of pleasantries. The days continued without any kind of twists and turns and was too calm for my comfort. I was slowly falling in “Louuvv”. There are innumerable drafts in my phone, my mails and my notebooks where I had expressed my feelings for her. Many movies of that time and my “love-gurus” led me to believe that I had to be brave and look at her when I told this… so all those masterpieces remained as drafts… that no one read… and invariably.. no one cared… and then It happened… I decided to become a beacon of hope to my fellow one-side mavericks and take that Step.
It was a February 14th and I still being a teenager that grew up with a regular dosage of cliched romances, decided on this day to tell her how I felt. I went all dressed up in my… uniform and saw her standing by the cycle stand. She was twiddling with the strands of her hair and the radiance of the sun was reflecting on her face making it glow even more resplendently. It was probably my very own “Magic Moment first sight Love”. Again.
I walked towards her memorising the lines that I had to ensure came out spontaneously and brimmed with emotion in a pseudo baritone. Before I could say anything… She was like… “Hey da… You know what… There’s something I have been meaning to tell you…” I never knew I was such a smooth talker that girls understood what I wanted to say to them even without me uttering a word.
I have never been more wrong. EVER
She blushed… and then continued… “<Insert any random name ranging from B!@#$%D to any other random name like that> proposed to me a couple of days back. I said yes… I wanted you to know first”.
I realised two things that day.
1. I should watch better movies…
2. How a Friend-zone felt like?
I gave her a reassuring smile and congratulated her about the clarity of her flucking choice. Telling her how her happiness is most important and if she’s happy blah blah blah bullshit.
Over a period of time, I became her good friend… She couldn’t quite be what I wanted her to be. So I guessed that being what she wanted me to be was the best form of love. I understood that there were just 2 and a half steps more to reach sainthood.
Inspite of all this, the best part of the feeling I had for her was that… I knew the destination. So I went out on a limb to ensure that the routes i took were magical in their own accord. I was crazy about her… for a long time… and will be so … for a longer time… She was like an almost-in-my-grasp but elusive treasure. I knew I could tell her what I really felt, I knew I might either get her or lose her and I most certainly knew that I wanted her… More than anything else… and finally when I did attend the wedding, apart from the obvious realisations like “She was <insert GRE level adjectives to define her awesomeness> “… two other life lessons dawned on me…
1. Sometimes one has to suffice themselves with the idea of love and not love itself.
2. FLUCKING WATCH BETTER MOVIES.