Two years is a long time to forget and forgive things. But as someone wise once said, it is not that easy to forgive oneself for something that could have been easily avoided. To make things clearer, it is imperative to know about what transpired on that fateful night.
That night two years ago. Exactly two years ago.
I was at dinner with a couple of friends and our girlfriends. This being the phase of ushering in a new media, the ritual of praying before a meal gave way to posing before one. I just gave my best “wow-this-is-exquisite” look towards the lovely portion of a medium rare beef steak when I heard a beep on my phone.
It was from our high school Whatsapp Group. A typical group where the maximum buzz is when it is someone’s birthday or if someone announces their pending nuptials.
“Buddy… Just came across this information. She is dying… Her parents have decided to pull the plug next week.”
I didn’t quite know how to react. A pang of guilt seared through my well done heart.
While idling with the steak in front of me, I did a slow jog back on my memory lane.
A dark lane though.
I had my break-up with her about eight years ago. It was definitely my fault. I couldn’t blame her even if I absolutely wanted to. She was just too good for me. I couldn’t handle the care and pampering she showered on me and just couldn’t accept that I deserved so much love. She adored me and gave pearls of wisdom whenever required. She constantly reminded me of my dreams, aspirations, strengths and weaknesses.
She was there for me.
Though she was everything I needed, I realized pretty late that she never deserved a person like me. I wasn’t loyal to her, was wavering and clearly couldn’t be trusted. The more she did, the more I hated myself. I didn’t like the person I was, but I was sure of not being able to be the person she had in her mind. She thought her unflinching love and loyalty would make me stay.
She was indeed that naive.
I cut off my ties with her in a completely heartless fashion. It was very ugly. I just left her in the lurch to lament about her choices and interests. I knew for sure that I broke her. I broke something so beautiful and fulfilling.
I broke her from the inside.
I never could say those three words. I never had the guts to go back to her and give her the much needed closure. I was a coward of the highest order or rather I was just too entitled in my very own world that I failed to realize what I had left behind. I was just another human being and this annoyed me the most.
I was not the most famous kid in school, but she made me famous. Just my acquaintance with someone like her gave me a fame that I still proudly carry around. Just talking to her about the issues plaguing the society and the world, got me a lot of friends. She was extremely smart and in a way improved my knowledge and standing in my community. People took note of me and even started valuing my opinion. To be brutally honest, only after being with her did my words get any kind of recognition.
I was guilty of taking away all our common friends. It would be right to say that she let me take them when she realized that I needed them more than her. She never said a word.
Both of us did move on and I was obviously faster than her. She was the reason I even had the confidence to approach anyone else. She gave me my new found swagger and was the reason for my thoughts to get clutter-free. She chiseled me bit by bit, but I just proved to be ungrateful.
I fell in love with someone else within a few months of our break up. I fell in love with someone who was so similar but entirely different. The similarities ended when my vision wasn’t clouded by the guilt and the love I had kept hidden in the crevices of my heart. My new girlfriend did have her negatives. Since then, we have had our share of trials and tribulations. We have had our extended periods of absence from each other. We have had our truces. We have had our intimate moments and public display of affection. We have plastered our relationship all over the world and yet managed to keep many of our moments private.
I learnt from the mistakes of my previous relationship and I managed to steer away from them. It wasn’t easy, but it had to be done. Though history might slot me into someone who didn’t quite deserve happiness, I did my best to ensure I was happy and in a way made my girlfriend happy too.
I was never proud of my attitude and behavior with my Ex, but over time I did forget about her. There would be fleeting moments where I’d get reminded of the times we spent, the friendships we forged and our innumerable discussions that shaped my view of the world. I can never forget the way she egged me on to display my limited abilities which managed to get me quite a following and fans that I held on closely while leaving her far behind.
I wasn’t proud. But I wasn’t going to beat myself up either.
It happened… Probably it didn’t have to, but it did.
I had heard that she moved on and relocated to some foreign country with her family. I never had the guts to reconnect. I did get a mail or two from her, but over time she got the point and never cared much about keeping in touch either.
All these memories came flooding back the moment I received the text on Whatsapp. I looked at my girlfriend who had a quizzical look in her eyes.
She was asking me what was on my mind. I had never spoken much about my past with her. She was my present and probably my future too. I always believed that she didn’t quite need to know things about my past. In recent times, she did have this nagging habit of regularly reminding me of ‘us’. But I was steadfast on not letting her into ‘my’ past.
But I felt this was something she had to know. She had to know that my ex would be weighing heavily on my mind for a few days. She needed to know that my confusions weren’t her fault. She had to know that even though I love her deeply, my mind would be filled with the memories of a beautiful past.
That’s why when she prodded further asking what was on my mind, I took out my phone and typed…
“Orkut… You were loyal… I am sorry… I will miss you”